Until Death Do You Part

by Brandon Jubar

There are a lot of things that I don't understand; and most of the time it's because I've never had the opportunity to read or learn about whatever it is. I like to think that I'm fairly intelligent, a quick study, and very teachable. But I must admit that there is one thing that I've studied, read about, experienced first hand for many years, and still can't seem to figure out. What is this arcane subject, you ask? Well, it's the main subject of this weekend's readings: marriage.

I'm sure that some people might argue with me about whether or not marriage is truly so hard to understand, but most of those people are probably folks who tend to see the world in black and white. Marriage, however, is never so cut-and-dry. In fact, I would go so far as to say that there are very few human relationships that are as complex and layered as marriage. Forget black and white; forget shades of gray. Marriage is a growing, changing panoply of colors, textures, and sensations.

Why do so many marriages fail, while others succeed? Why do some fall apart for seemingly minor issues, while others stay together against almost impossible odds? How can some very faithful couples who pray and worship together end up divorcing, while other couples with little or no religious faith stay together until death parts them?

I suppose it's not surprising that I don't understand all of this. If I did, my advice and insights would be in extremely high demand! Luckily the Church has some great ideas on what makes a marriage strong, and that's what marriage preparation is all about. Perhaps we can't figure it all out beyond a shadow of a doubt, but there are certainly many things you can do to increase your odds of success.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think that marriage is a gamble. But I also don't think that "true love" conquers all -- at least not by itself. Marriage takes hard work and a passionate commitment from both husband and wife. That funny feeling you get when you're first in love? Those butterflies in the stomach and sweaty palms? The excitement and anticipation when you can't wait to see the person again? Well, it won't always be like that -- but that doesn't mean that you don't love your spouse anymore.

Over the years, many people I've talked to mistake those initial feelings of excitement for love; and when those feelings "fade", they believe that they're no longer in love. But love is something deeper. Love is something more. Marriage requires work, and love is what gives us the energy to do it. Love is the passion behind our commitment to one another. It is the glue that holds us together, even when we're upset or disagreeing over things. When the road is bumpy and we're not getting along very well, but it never even occurs to us that we won't be together forever -- that's love.

I happen to believe that the presence of the Holy Spirit is what keeps married couples together and loving each other forever. And those couples that go to church together every week, pray together before meals, and are on the parish bowling league, but still end up divorced? Going through the motions of faith and truly having faith can be two completely different things. For some reason, God is no longer a part of their marriage, if His Spirit actually ever was. (And just for clarification, bringing together two truly faithful individuals does not necessarily equal a faith-filled marriage.)

I have some ideas on what makes a successful marriage, as do many of you. But at the end of it all, much remains a mystery to me. However, that's never stopped me from doling out a little advice. So if you are getting married in the near future -- or if you know someone who is -- don't neglect to go through the marriage preparation program at your parish. And don't take it lightly; don't treat it like an inconvenient necessity. You will gain so much more by genuinely putting yourself into it. With the help and guidance of your deacon or priest, you will gain a better understanding of how to truly allow the Holy Spirit into your marriage, which will ensure that you and your spouse will stay together until death do you part.

Peace,
~Brandon