The Gift of Feedback

by Brandon Jubar

"I didn't know you felt that way."
"I wish you would've said something sooner."
"I thought you were happy with my performance."

If you've ever made these statements, or said something similar, then you are probably in need of a gift. A very special gift. The gift of feedback.

Ask

Most of the time, when we are lacking information from people it is because we have failed to ask them for it in the first place. It is simply not safe to assume that people will know what to tell us. And considering the negative connotations around the term "feedback", it is even more unlikely that people will volunteer their thoughts.

That is why the first step to receiving and accepting the gift of feedback is to ask for it. Ask them to be blunt, but to describe specific behaviors rather than generalizations. Tell people that you care about their opinions and you hope to improve and grow by what you glean from their observations.

Listen

This is where most people destroy the gift of feedback. For example, I asked a coworker to tell me how she thought I had done on a presentation to our management group. She began with a general statement of it being good. But as soon as she started addressing the fact that I was fidgeting with the change in my pocket, and that I used the sound "uhm" about fifty thousand times, I became defensive. I stopped listening and started justifying my actions. This, of course, sent my coworker a very clear message: "Tell me good things or nothing at all!"

Once we have asked for the gift of feedback, we need to shut-up and listen. Though we may feel compelled to deny, debate, or defend, we must resist the temptation. If we hope to learn from feedback, we need good feedback. And if we can't simply be quiet and listen, the quality of the feedback will suffer greatly.

Thank

So after you've listened, what do you do? Well, how about remembering your manners? Just say "thank you". If it's good enough for children, it's good enough for us.

It may seem simple -- or even silly -- but it's not always easy to limit yourself to those two little words. Practice makes perfect, however, so do it often. Whenever someone offers any type of feedback or criticism, just say "thank you".

Think

After thanking someone for giving you the gift of feedback, it is time to do something with it. Unfortunately, most people get this step a little confused. Rather than "thinking" about the feedback, they "dwell" on it. The difference, although seemingly subtle, can have a drastically different outcome.

When we dwell on something, we are merely worrying, fretting, justifying in our own minds, crafting ways of defending our actions, or doing one of many other equally pointless exercises. "Thinking", on the other hand, is about processing and internalizing what we have been told. It is a way to constructively reflect, with the goal of improving our performance going forward.

Follow-Up

Speaking of going forward, the final step in receiving and accepting the gift of feedback is to follow-up. It's not enough to simply think about what has been shared with you -- you must act upon that information. Taking appropriate action in response to feedback does a number of things.

>First of all, taking action helps you to grow and change. It is far too easy to simply relegate feedback to the "someday" file, where it is promptly forgotten. When we do this, we pass up the opportunity for improvement.

Second, it helps prevent "analysis paralysis". Sometimes we err on the opposite and of the spectrum. We do nothing but think about the feedback, forever re-analyzing in hopes of finding new insights (or perhaps hoping to disprove feedback with which we don't agree).

And finally, following up with appropriate action sends a very clear message to those who provided you with feedback. It shows them that you actually were listening, and that you took their feedback to heart. This makes it all the more likely that you will receive the gift of feedback again.

Formula for Success

Feedback is a gift, but one that is not often freely given.
You must ASK for it.

Feedback is a gift, but it has to be received to be of value.
You must LISTEN to it.

Feedback is a gift, and you need to receive it graciously.
You must THANK the person who provides it.

Feedback is a gift, but you need to understand it.
You must THINK about it.

Feedback is a gift, but its ultimate value comes from using it.
You must FOLLOW-UP on what you've been told.

Do all of these things -- Ask, Listen, Thank, Think, and Follow-Up -- and you will be successful at receiving, accepting, and using the gift of feedback.

Life Applications:

How often do you ask people for feedback?

How do you respond when people offer criticism? Do you defend or do you thank them?

Do you believe feedback is a gift? Why or why not?

Copyright 2002 by Brandon Jubar
All rights reserved.