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The Day My Life Changed Forever

by Annette Sutherby

On November 6, 1992, tragedy struck my family. That was the day that my dad passed away. He died of an inoperable brain tumor. My dad had been sick for about 6 months, and had been in and out of the hospital -- but this had been his longest stay. As a 7-year-old "daddy's girl", I didn't really understand what had happened. But in looking back over the years since then, I have a different perspective and I'm able to reflect on what has happened since that day my life was changed forever.

Where Did Daddy Go?

When my dad first died, I seemed to be fine with everything. At the funeral home, I kept on going in and out of the room where he laid. Looking back now, I realize that I wasn't really dealing with it. After all, I was only 7 years old -- I didn't really understand about death. To me everything seemed to be pretty much the same as it always had.

My mom protected me from everything -- she made a perfect environment for me. Or at least that's the way it seemed at the time. But in reality, it was far from perfect. She encouraged me to go on with my everyday life as if nothing had really changed -- as if everything was going to be okay.

But it didn't take me long to realize that everything wasn't ok. Where had my daddy gone? When would he be back? He used to take me to the playground and we would go out to eat at a place called Valado's. All of the fun times and little things -- my dad was my whole entire world.

When would my daddy come back? It was a question I continued to ask.

Blaming Mom and Acting Out

Eventually I understood what had really happened. Unfortunately, I began to blame my mom for the fact that my dad had died. It was all her fault and I was never going to let her forget it either. It seemed we were always getting into fights about anything and everything. I was somewhat of a troubled kid, but no one else knew that except for my mom and my family. Everyone at school thought I was still the same old me and that nothing had changed. Everyone would always comment on how well I was handling everything -- but they couldn't see the truth.

What was really happening was that I was making bad choices and getting away with almost everything. I knew what I was supposed to do -- but I also knew how far I could go and still get away with it! I was acting out my feelings because I didn't know what else to do.

Looking back, I think the reason I was acting so bad towards my mom was because I was pushing her away -- or at least trying to -- because I didn't want to lose her too. I didn't want to feel the pain I was going through ever again. My dad was the first person I remember feeling very close to -- he was my everything; my world -- and I didn't want to experience that closeness with anyone again, for fear that I might lose them too.

Coming to Terms with Death

It was almost 5 years after my dad died before I finally started to deal with my grief. I was angry all of the time. I was constantly fighting with my mom, and I would blow up at her for no reason. My mom had taken me to counseling way back when my dad was first in the hospital and for a while after that, but for some reason I stopped going. After that I think I also stopped dealing with dad's death. I tried to simply block that part of my life totally out of my memory.

I had put up a barrier -- a wall -- so I was extremely uncomfortable when I first tried dealing with my dad's death. Talking about him and what had happened was like stepping across some invisible line. It was something I had never done before -- but it was something I felt like I had to do.

Coming to terms with my dad's death was a slow process. Just as I would start to become comfortable talking about it, something would happen and I'd go back to feeling uncomfortable again. And I'd end up being the same person I had been before.

Finally, almost 10 years after his death, I began to fully deal with things without going back to the way I was before. I think that I finally realized what happened, what I was doing, and the person I had become. And I realized that it wasn't who I wanted to be.

It still took me a long time to truly come to grips with my father's death and begin to live me life openly and honestly. And even though the roughest times are well behind me now, it's important to me to remember that I've come a long way since that day my life was changed forever.

Life Applications:

What sort of tragedies have you had to face in your life?
How do you deal with stressful or tragic events?
Where is God during times like these?

Copyright 2002-2008 by Annette Sutherby
All rights reserved.