How To Build Trust In Relationships

by Brandon Jubar

Scene 1

Your girlfriend tells you she has to work on a project after school. And oh, by the way, her partner is a guy in her class. You get a little bit jealous and wonder if the "project" is real or not. You check with someone else you know in the class and find out that your girlfriend really was assigned to work with the other guy. Unfortunately, your girlfriend finds out that you were checking up on her. She gets very angry and says you don't trust her.

Analysis:

You don't trust her. Why else would you check up on her?

Scene 2

You and your boyfriend go to a party. There are a lot of people there, so you are both mingling. After a while, you notice that your boyfriend is spending most of his time talking to one girl in particular. They are laughing a lot and standing very close -- often making physical contact. Eventually your boyfriend says that he is going to give the other girl a ride home and will be back afterwards. When you insist on going along, he gets angry and says you don't trust him.

Analysis:

You don't trust him. Why else would you refuse to let him be alone with the other girl?

To Trust, Or Not To Trust

Though the two scenarios both show instances where one person in a relationship did not seem to trust the other, the two are very different.

In the first scene, the boyfriend had absolutely no reason not to trust his girlfriend. She told him what was going on -- presumably to avoid any misunderstandings -- and did not make a big deal out of it. So why did he check up on her?

In the second scene, things were a little different. The boyfriend was not appearing to have the best of intentions. Rather than mingling with different people or hanging out with his girlfriend, he was focusing all of his attention on another girl. Also, his body language gave signals that there was at least some attraction present.

When he tried to set-up a situation where he would be alone with this other girl, why wouldn't his girlfriend be suspicious? In fact, when he became upset with his girlfriend's decision to accompany him, she had even more reason to be concerned.

Building Trust

One thing that people don't seem to realize is that there's nothing wrong with not completely trusting another person. At least not while a relationship is still new. Trust is something that grows over time in a relationship.

When you fall in love with someone, do they automatically turn into a perfect person? Hardly. He or she will still make mistakes, as will you. That is one of the main reasons we do not put our trust completely in someone we've only known for a short time.

Until two people have been together in a close relationship for a while, they really don't know whether or not the other person actually deserves to be trusted. But it's a fine line people must walk. Just because a relationship is new, that doesn't mean that we should sneak around playing Sherlock Holmes.

Recognize What Motivates

In scene one, the boyfriend is a bit insecure. He is probably afraid that his girlfriend will find someone better and dump him. He doesn't have any evidence indicating that as a possibility, but he investigated anyway. As we discussed, this situation is much different than the one in scene two. In the second scene, there is more than enough evidence to create legitimate concern.

What we need to learn from this is that it's important to be able to tell the difference between a fear that's coming from our own insecurities and a fear that's based on observable behavior. But generally speaking, we should try not to assume the worst every time our significant other does something with another person.

Besides, when we take the first step towards trust, it makes it much easier for our boyfriend or girlfriend to follow.

Life Applications:

Do you consider yourself "trusting" or "paranoid"? Why?
Think of a time when someone didn't trust you. How did it make you feel?
What can you do to help build trust in your relationships?

Copyright 2003-2008 by Brandon Jubar
All rights reserved.