How to Handle Emotions (Part 1)

Owning Your Feelings

by Brandon Jubar

Dealing with emotions and feelings is something that all of us have to do. It is not a problem that only afflicts young people. Regardless of your age, the first step toward getting a handle on emotions and feelings is to understand a bit about where they come from and what causes them in the first place.

Origins of Emotions and Feelings

An emotion is "a mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes." Feelings are, technically, part of our response to our emotions. When I say, "my feelings were hurt," I am referring to the reaction I had to the inner emotions that were triggered by some event.

Because emotions are "spontaneous", most people conclude that they have no control over their feelings. To a certain extent, they're correct. But if we understand the other things that contribute to how we "feel" about something, maybe we can learn to cope with our emotions without letting our feelings get out of control.

Nature or Nurture?

Psychologists have an ongoing debate about whether our emotional responses are more hereditary (nature), or if they are learned responses based upon the way we were raised (nurture). Frankly, the answer to that question doesn't make a difference when your heart has just been broken. What does make a difference is whether or not you have some ideas on how to cope with your situation.

What we need to understand is that our feelings -- the responses to our emotions -- are partially determined by things outside of us. The environment in which we currently live, the amount of stress we are under at the time, the way our day/week has been going -- all these things affect our perception and the way we interpret what is happening to us.

If things around us seem bad and we already have a negative outlook, every emotion we experience could trigger negative feelings. Something wonderful happens to a friend and rather than feeling happy, we may end up feeling depressed or even jealous. On a different day, under better circumstances, we may feel overjoyed instead!

A Matter of Perspective

I'm not so foolish as to suggest that merely recognizing that our current perspective affects our feelings should allow us to control them. However, it does give us some place to start.

At the very heart of things, my "feelings" are a response to my "emotions", which belong only to me. Both my emotions and the resulting feelings belong to me -- no one else. So, it's not fair for me to say, "You made me angry." Anger is a feeling, and it belongs to me. It is the way I have reacted -- perhaps to something you've done -- but I cannot blame you for my reaction.

If someone else truly could make me feel something, then that would mean that my feelings are controlled by external sources. If that were the case, then I could do nothing. So once I have "owned" my feelings, I can start to change them.

It's not an easy process, and it's not a science. But there are definitely things that we can do, and we'll discuss those in Part II of How to Handle Emotions.

Life Applications:

How stable are your emotions? How would your friends describe you "emotionally"?
How does the way you were raised color your outlook?
Do you take ownership of your feelings? Why or why not?

Copyright 2004 by Brandon Jubar
All rights reserved.